We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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