I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
