The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
