i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Randomize
