oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
