Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
