She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
