I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
