the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
North Korea, Best Korea!
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
