def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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