Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
This is the prime rib incident all over again
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
