I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
