these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
