i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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