I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
