nut hugger
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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