the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
People in love make me want to vomit
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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