if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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