dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
