There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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