mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She told me I should be a condom model.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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