Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
