I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
