My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
