i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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