Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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