Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
