On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
