Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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