i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
