Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
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Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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