Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
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He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
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I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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