I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I didn't notice because vodka
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
