please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
