kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I could fuck to npr.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
