seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
