don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
