my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
your like the ambassador to my penis.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Randomize
