If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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