How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
This is the high leading the old right now
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
