No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
