I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
