I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Randomize
