ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
