At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
