i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Small penises have feelings too.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
