P.S. I can't hear my feet
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
