I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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