i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
