I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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