That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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