he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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