my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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