im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Randomize
