After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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