you suck at this game today
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.