Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.