I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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