There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.